I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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