Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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