you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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