Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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