I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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