I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
