My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
