In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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