I'm so fucking centered right now
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
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Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
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He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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