i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
