Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
