I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Sober January is a disaster.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
