So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
