I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize