my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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