I looked at my own cervix.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
