I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
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I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
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I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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