I want to walk on stilts...naked
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
