I wish I could punch you in the face.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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