i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
