so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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