Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
