is your mom at the bar?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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