If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
