is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
