Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
