im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
we're so committed to being not committed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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