my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??