I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!