as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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