yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
