ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
