There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
