If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
These 19 People Are Into The Grossest Sex Fetishes
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
People Weigh In On Whether It’s Okay to Bang Your Roommate
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat