I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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