Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
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I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
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All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse