my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle