walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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