I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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