oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
