she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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