The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
