FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
