i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Randomize
