well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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