you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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