We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
