i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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