I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
