Umm I'm too high to move.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
