I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
