she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My penis needs a shock collar
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
