just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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