she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
