Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
