Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
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I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
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Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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