im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
